Keeps me up every night

Where did I get all my angst and sadness. Why do I find it so hard to open myself up to anyone, even [especially?] to my friends when some people have no problem telling everyone their pains. 

Why is my guard up even to the people closest to me. Don't I trust anyone completely? And what if I was more out there with myself, especially my feelings? Would I have lost that certain loneliness that seemed to have been a part of me since, i dont know, ever. Would I have smiled and laughed more.