Maybe I was really meant to live my life alone.

By choice, and probably by heart.


It may sound so loser-y to some but this whole semester, I've been spending almost all my time alone. Sometimes, because I have no one to be with but mostly because I choose to. I don't get it, either. Maybe I'm just too picky with the people I want to be with?


The thing is, these past few days, I have been hanging out with people again. And yes, I am enjoying it. I'll be a fraud if I say I hate it. But now that I am all alone again, I realized I like it more being alone--not lonely, okay. Sometimes I think maybe I'm being too hard on myself and just that I don't like me when I have fun. Haha weird? And then, just now, I realized how no one really knows me anymore--not one soul. No one really knows what's going on with my life and all this shit I'm going through.


My parents are still fighting (over a week now), I'm crying every night because I still hate how being here in UPLB suffocates me. I'm losing my appetite for life--I used to be appreciative of the little things like a stranger smile at me, now it takes more than that to make me feel better. I have no one or nowhere to go to. I hate everything about me when I look at the mirror--well,almost everything.


Right now, the only thing that makes me feel better about myself is when I help these people on the streets. There's something magical in the feeling I get when I buy a mango shake for this certain old lady I see in fron t of Robinsons. I want to cry everytime I see the hardships these people have to go through everyday. Why am I like this.


And I miss my lola. Granny.  There's this feeling of security when I talk to her or even when I just see her. And now, maybe that's all I need. But maybe she's just an escape route for me. I never really understand, but I'm happy she's still so strong and life-ful.


Journal, you have no idea how much it sucks that you're the only one I can talk to. I hate myself. Everytime, I imagine myself crying my heart out in front of a friend. But I never did, I never do. WHY DO I FIND IT SO HARD TO OPEN MYSELF UP TO ANYONE. Being with people makes me hide every ugly emotion I'm feeling. Though, it seems like a good idea, it's not. Because when I come home and become alone again, everything comes rushing back.


"I don't let myself need anyone. Ever." (Peyton Sawyer)
I don't want to be like her, but I hate it because I think I am like her. Fuck, but she's better. She, at least, talks about her feelings to someone somehow. WHY CAN'T I?


I started smoking again--but not as much as before. I don't want to go back to the time when all I have are cigarette butts. I stopped being that person! Why am I going back!? I also started running/jogging again,but I can't find more time for it.


Fuck the wreck that I'm becoming. The only thing I pride myself right now is despite all of what's happening, I don't turn to alcohol--at least not yet, hopefully never again.


Fuck the humour I have and that I only find when I'm talking about my problems. Fuck that I can never really say even to Haze/Fio how much pain I'm in.. because I talk about it as if it's nothing and it's just some stupid stuff that'll probably pass in a second or two.


Fuck that I cannot bear pity nor anyone seeing me weak. Fuck that I can't trust anyone no matter how hard I try. Fuck the skeptic that I've become. Fuck that I can never please myself--that ugly is the word the voice in my head keeps on saying.


Fuck that I cannot help seeing the people who admire or like me as questionable and fuckwits.


And lastly, just fuck. Because I told myself I'll end this post with something from the "brightside." But in this world, there's no really such thing as happy endings,right. Only good or bad "another beginning"s.