It's all coming back to back where it all was. I thought everything is finally good here at home, with me transferring to LB for my father's happiness. And after some few weeks of smiles and laughter, we're back to tears and banging doors in each other's faces.
For the past weeks, I thought I'm already in a good place here in los banos. That even though I was not okay with being&studying here, at least I was happy when I get home. The past weeks were beautiful, I did good in school and then come home to spend time with the family out of town for the weekend. And now, it's over.
I feel so horrible, and it just sucks to know that I really thought everything was working out. Maybe that's why I like[d] it in Diliman. Because there was so much to do and so when I didnt want to face all the drama at home I could just stay in the city and take in all of the new things I could do. In los banos, it's so dull [at least for me.]. It's a wonderful place, Im sure but somehow, it does not really hold anything that can expand my horizons and love for different cultures. Ive always been someone who liked doing things alone because then, I can just do things how I like them. I have friends here, yes. I could call them and ask them to hang out but somehow, I feel like my ideals and interests have grown so far from theirs. It'd be very nice to see and talk to them once in a while but sadly, I think Ive grown out of being with them.
Thinking about these stuff make me seem troubled and broken. I hope not, because I have really been trying to be happy and see the positive things out of all the bad. It's just these things that I feel, I have no idea what to make of them.
Plus, I miss meeting people who makes more sense of life. Here in LB, [most of] the people I encounter here cares so much about fitting in and not having to be seen alone.It's like high school over again. Maybe that's why some people notice that Im mostly alone here. Id like to think Im not being a snob when I dont really talk to some people. It's just, Id rather keep to myself than hang out/around someone whom I'd just have small, superficial talk with. It's just hard to find people I'd click with here, so...
Aaaand I miss Fio.
I dont know what that has anything to do with anything, but I just miss having her around. We are currently slaves of our separate lives. We call each other sometimes but, it's not the same. I know that I may sound like a lesbian lover--not that there's anything wrong with that except it's not how I see her. She's my best friend and she's the only one I can talk and dream big with. And these big dreams the two of us have are the ones that keep me going. Not talking to her makes all of the dreams a blur and well, I just really miss talking to her about everything. She's been my tower of strength who really asks me about how I feel and tries her best to understand. And so, she's the only one I can vent all these shit to.
I should stop being such a crybaby. Really.
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