I have to make a 10page essay, 2 scientific papers, study for a lot of exams coming up this and next week + recover from my four-day sickness. Piled-up to-do list.
I want to tell everything so badly but I just don't have enough time and much space in my head to think how to form everything into words. Worst part is, tears aren't as therapeutic as they once were. But this is what I have to say:
This semester, it's the first time I ever really tried working hard to the point of being so stressed out, caffeine-dependent and at last, being sick. I was fever-ridden for four days but I was still trying to catch up with my very demanding academics and after the fever cooled down...
I started asking why I was doing all of these. And all I can see are my grandparents. And all the people suffering. And somehow, my blurred focus started to get a little clearer.
BUT SOMEHOW I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE. I have no one in this place who can actually understand what my aspirations are. Everyone's still so obsessed about trying to fit in and look cool and it's getting sicker everyday. It's so selfish. Everytime I see that, I lose an ounce of hope about life.
I am not making any sense anymore and I dont know how to make sense even of my life. Can I just fast forward to the next three years?
PS. Somehow I blame it all on my sedentary lifestyle. I havent worked out in more than a week, and somehow when I exercise, I feel good about everything. I have a feeling my workouts control my hormones singlehandedly.
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