Sorta kinda two-timing with

this.

Remix of good and bad

Good:


1. Arielle was confined... she got a dengue scare. Thank heavens, it was just flu. And another yay for not celebrating her 16th birthday in the hospital! Happy birthday, babe.


2. The Fight has been resolved. I went home yesterday and saw the two of them smiling and laughing at each other again. (TBH, I don't know what to feel about this. I just listed this under GOOD 'cause they're happy.)


3. I'm currently on Y!M with Fiona.


4. Heh, my mind isn't working. I'm pretty sure a lot of things made me smile lately. I just cannot pinpoint.


Anywayyy moving on to the bad.


BAD:
1. So, the semester's ending in roughly 2 weeks.  I know I should be, like, OMGWTF WOOHOO. But the exams are just piled up! I had four this week and I'll have more than that next week. Plus, projects that are to be submitted, plus ugh. NVM na nga. I don't wanna  think about it again--at least at the moment.


2. I feel fug. I know, I know. I am constantly disgusted [exag naman ako,girl haha) by how I look but today [this one hindi na exag, swear] is exceptionally worse. Fucket but everytime I looked at myself in the mirror today, all I can think is "fug" look away, look again, "ugly as hell" end. repeat.


3. Plus it does not help that I ate too much and I feel like a pregnant cat just wanting to sleep her life away.


4. Okay, isingit natin, 'cause I just found out [Fio JUST told me]. One of her patients died. Tragic: 19 years old, ingested muriatic acid, it was a suicide attempt. It makes me feel so bad when I hear suicide attempts and those kind of things. I feel like I could have done something but I did not [even if I never knew the person].


4.a. That 13-year-old who took his life because he was bullied for being gay. FUCK. I can't even... it's just so tragic. It's an issue close to my heart because I've always felt like people shouldn't be judged, looked down upon and persecuted solely by their preference. They have feelings and the gays I know are wonderful people with good hearts. Okay I should stop now or else I won't be able to stop.


5. I still need a good shoulder to cry on.


6. I have no time to work out... or even run [it's either raining or I have 2 exams the next day]. What the hell.


7. Have I told you already that I feel like a pregnant cat?


8. And that I really really want to talk to someone? For reals.

Ready for the hustle,here we go

Thank you for being my home, journal.

At the end of the day, you only have yourself. [you=i/me]

My first audio post and well, Blogger doesn't allow audio posts (yet?). So I made it into a video file and well, I don't really have any photo to go with it so I chose a random one from my files. So, don't mind the photos here and on [probably] the next audio posts. They are pretty much irrelevant. 

Maybe I was really meant to live my life alone.

By choice, and probably by heart.


It may sound so loser-y to some but this whole semester, I've been spending almost all my time alone. Sometimes, because I have no one to be with but mostly because I choose to. I don't get it, either. Maybe I'm just too picky with the people I want to be with?


The thing is, these past few days, I have been hanging out with people again. And yes, I am enjoying it. I'll be a fraud if I say I hate it. But now that I am all alone again, I realized I like it more being alone--not lonely, okay. Sometimes I think maybe I'm being too hard on myself and just that I don't like me when I have fun. Haha weird? And then, just now, I realized how no one really knows me anymore--not one soul. No one really knows what's going on with my life and all this shit I'm going through.


My parents are still fighting (over a week now), I'm crying every night because I still hate how being here in UPLB suffocates me. I'm losing my appetite for life--I used to be appreciative of the little things like a stranger smile at me, now it takes more than that to make me feel better. I have no one or nowhere to go to. I hate everything about me when I look at the mirror--well,almost everything.


Right now, the only thing that makes me feel better about myself is when I help these people on the streets. There's something magical in the feeling I get when I buy a mango shake for this certain old lady I see in fron t of Robinsons. I want to cry everytime I see the hardships these people have to go through everyday. Why am I like this.


And I miss my lola. Granny.  There's this feeling of security when I talk to her or even when I just see her. And now, maybe that's all I need. But maybe she's just an escape route for me. I never really understand, but I'm happy she's still so strong and life-ful.


Journal, you have no idea how much it sucks that you're the only one I can talk to. I hate myself. Everytime, I imagine myself crying my heart out in front of a friend. But I never did, I never do. WHY DO I FIND IT SO HARD TO OPEN MYSELF UP TO ANYONE. Being with people makes me hide every ugly emotion I'm feeling. Though, it seems like a good idea, it's not. Because when I come home and become alone again, everything comes rushing back.


"I don't let myself need anyone. Ever." (Peyton Sawyer)
I don't want to be like her, but I hate it because I think I am like her. Fuck, but she's better. She, at least, talks about her feelings to someone somehow. WHY CAN'T I?


I started smoking again--but not as much as before. I don't want to go back to the time when all I have are cigarette butts. I stopped being that person! Why am I going back!? I also started running/jogging again,but I can't find more time for it.


Fuck the wreck that I'm becoming. The only thing I pride myself right now is despite all of what's happening, I don't turn to alcohol--at least not yet, hopefully never again.


Fuck the humour I have and that I only find when I'm talking about my problems. Fuck that I can never really say even to Haze/Fio how much pain I'm in.. because I talk about it as if it's nothing and it's just some stupid stuff that'll probably pass in a second or two.


Fuck that I cannot bear pity nor anyone seeing me weak. Fuck that I can't trust anyone no matter how hard I try. Fuck the skeptic that I've become. Fuck that I can never please myself--that ugly is the word the voice in my head keeps on saying.


Fuck that I cannot help seeing the people who admire or like me as questionable and fuckwits.


And lastly, just fuck. Because I told myself I'll end this post with something from the "brightside." But in this world, there's no really such thing as happy endings,right. Only good or bad "another beginning"s.

Keeps me up every night

Where did I get all my angst and sadness. Why do I find it so hard to open myself up to anyone, even [especially?] to my friends when some people have no problem telling everyone their pains. 

Why is my guard up even to the people closest to me. Don't I trust anyone completely? And what if I was more out there with myself, especially my feelings? Would I have lost that certain loneliness that seemed to have been a part of me since, i dont know, ever. Would I have smiled and laughed more.

Because im still trying my hardest to ignore the "fight"

i will just blog about something so much lighter. 


#bodyissues


There are times when I wish I was skinny AND had no [or little] curves and  HAD small boobs so I can achieve one of the dream looks i know i will never achieve: androgynous. AGYNESS DEYN I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! ♥

from here

from here

 It's quite hard for me to dress my body especially if I'm having a bad day (read: all I want to wear are baggy, lazy clothes). I do like my pair of headlights, it's just that them skinny people have it so much easier.

from here

Wearing clothes were so much easier when I was in Manila--people were so much less conservative than the people here in LB! Here, they see a little cleavage and they already go frantic and say it's vulgar. (I am generalizing OK, not all of them are like that--just most). But the thing is, it's okay. I still dress how I want to. It just annoys me how big of a deal people make it to be. OK. STOPPING. NOW. BYE.



PS. IM SO SORRY IF I CANT GET ENOUGH OF Agyness Deyn. It's just when I first saw her, I thought to myself "she's a bisexual's fantasy!" so this one last photo of her rocking Chanel:

from here