Sorta kinda two-timing with

this.

Remix of good and bad

Good:


1. Arielle was confined... she got a dengue scare. Thank heavens, it was just flu. And another yay for not celebrating her 16th birthday in the hospital! Happy birthday, babe.


2. The Fight has been resolved. I went home yesterday and saw the two of them smiling and laughing at each other again. (TBH, I don't know what to feel about this. I just listed this under GOOD 'cause they're happy.)


3. I'm currently on Y!M with Fiona.


4. Heh, my mind isn't working. I'm pretty sure a lot of things made me smile lately. I just cannot pinpoint.


Anywayyy moving on to the bad.


BAD:
1. So, the semester's ending in roughly 2 weeks.  I know I should be, like, OMGWTF WOOHOO. But the exams are just piled up! I had four this week and I'll have more than that next week. Plus, projects that are to be submitted, plus ugh. NVM na nga. I don't wanna  think about it again--at least at the moment.


2. I feel fug. I know, I know. I am constantly disgusted [exag naman ako,girl haha) by how I look but today [this one hindi na exag, swear] is exceptionally worse. Fucket but everytime I looked at myself in the mirror today, all I can think is "fug" look away, look again, "ugly as hell" end. repeat.


3. Plus it does not help that I ate too much and I feel like a pregnant cat just wanting to sleep her life away.


4. Okay, isingit natin, 'cause I just found out [Fio JUST told me]. One of her patients died. Tragic: 19 years old, ingested muriatic acid, it was a suicide attempt. It makes me feel so bad when I hear suicide attempts and those kind of things. I feel like I could have done something but I did not [even if I never knew the person].


4.a. That 13-year-old who took his life because he was bullied for being gay. FUCK. I can't even... it's just so tragic. It's an issue close to my heart because I've always felt like people shouldn't be judged, looked down upon and persecuted solely by their preference. They have feelings and the gays I know are wonderful people with good hearts. Okay I should stop now or else I won't be able to stop.


5. I still need a good shoulder to cry on.


6. I have no time to work out... or even run [it's either raining or I have 2 exams the next day]. What the hell.


7. Have I told you already that I feel like a pregnant cat?


8. And that I really really want to talk to someone? For reals.

Ready for the hustle,here we go

Thank you for being my home, journal.

At the end of the day, you only have yourself. [you=i/me]

My first audio post and well, Blogger doesn't allow audio posts (yet?). So I made it into a video file and well, I don't really have any photo to go with it so I chose a random one from my files. So, don't mind the photos here and on [probably] the next audio posts. They are pretty much irrelevant. 

Maybe I was really meant to live my life alone.

By choice, and probably by heart.


It may sound so loser-y to some but this whole semester, I've been spending almost all my time alone. Sometimes, because I have no one to be with but mostly because I choose to. I don't get it, either. Maybe I'm just too picky with the people I want to be with?


The thing is, these past few days, I have been hanging out with people again. And yes, I am enjoying it. I'll be a fraud if I say I hate it. But now that I am all alone again, I realized I like it more being alone--not lonely, okay. Sometimes I think maybe I'm being too hard on myself and just that I don't like me when I have fun. Haha weird? And then, just now, I realized how no one really knows me anymore--not one soul. No one really knows what's going on with my life and all this shit I'm going through.


My parents are still fighting (over a week now), I'm crying every night because I still hate how being here in UPLB suffocates me. I'm losing my appetite for life--I used to be appreciative of the little things like a stranger smile at me, now it takes more than that to make me feel better. I have no one or nowhere to go to. I hate everything about me when I look at the mirror--well,almost everything.


Right now, the only thing that makes me feel better about myself is when I help these people on the streets. There's something magical in the feeling I get when I buy a mango shake for this certain old lady I see in fron t of Robinsons. I want to cry everytime I see the hardships these people have to go through everyday. Why am I like this.


And I miss my lola. Granny.  There's this feeling of security when I talk to her or even when I just see her. And now, maybe that's all I need. But maybe she's just an escape route for me. I never really understand, but I'm happy she's still so strong and life-ful.


Journal, you have no idea how much it sucks that you're the only one I can talk to. I hate myself. Everytime, I imagine myself crying my heart out in front of a friend. But I never did, I never do. WHY DO I FIND IT SO HARD TO OPEN MYSELF UP TO ANYONE. Being with people makes me hide every ugly emotion I'm feeling. Though, it seems like a good idea, it's not. Because when I come home and become alone again, everything comes rushing back.


"I don't let myself need anyone. Ever." (Peyton Sawyer)
I don't want to be like her, but I hate it because I think I am like her. Fuck, but she's better. She, at least, talks about her feelings to someone somehow. WHY CAN'T I?


I started smoking again--but not as much as before. I don't want to go back to the time when all I have are cigarette butts. I stopped being that person! Why am I going back!? I also started running/jogging again,but I can't find more time for it.


Fuck the wreck that I'm becoming. The only thing I pride myself right now is despite all of what's happening, I don't turn to alcohol--at least not yet, hopefully never again.


Fuck the humour I have and that I only find when I'm talking about my problems. Fuck that I can never really say even to Haze/Fio how much pain I'm in.. because I talk about it as if it's nothing and it's just some stupid stuff that'll probably pass in a second or two.


Fuck that I cannot bear pity nor anyone seeing me weak. Fuck that I can't trust anyone no matter how hard I try. Fuck the skeptic that I've become. Fuck that I can never please myself--that ugly is the word the voice in my head keeps on saying.


Fuck that I cannot help seeing the people who admire or like me as questionable and fuckwits.


And lastly, just fuck. Because I told myself I'll end this post with something from the "brightside." But in this world, there's no really such thing as happy endings,right. Only good or bad "another beginning"s.

Keeps me up every night

Where did I get all my angst and sadness. Why do I find it so hard to open myself up to anyone, even [especially?] to my friends when some people have no problem telling everyone their pains. 

Why is my guard up even to the people closest to me. Don't I trust anyone completely? And what if I was more out there with myself, especially my feelings? Would I have lost that certain loneliness that seemed to have been a part of me since, i dont know, ever. Would I have smiled and laughed more.

Because im still trying my hardest to ignore the "fight"

i will just blog about something so much lighter. 


#bodyissues


There are times when I wish I was skinny AND had no [or little] curves and  HAD small boobs so I can achieve one of the dream looks i know i will never achieve: androgynous. AGYNESS DEYN I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! ♥

from here

from here

 It's quite hard for me to dress my body especially if I'm having a bad day (read: all I want to wear are baggy, lazy clothes). I do like my pair of headlights, it's just that them skinny people have it so much easier.

from here

Wearing clothes were so much easier when I was in Manila--people were so much less conservative than the people here in LB! Here, they see a little cleavage and they already go frantic and say it's vulgar. (I am generalizing OK, not all of them are like that--just most). But the thing is, it's okay. I still dress how I want to. It just annoys me how big of a deal people make it to be. OK. STOPPING. NOW. BYE.



PS. IM SO SORRY IF I CANT GET ENOUGH OF Agyness Deyn. It's just when I first saw her, I thought to myself "she's a bisexual's fantasy!" so this one last photo of her rocking Chanel:

from here

i have this thing

wherein i think twice (thrice?) of saying/writing something because im afraid of how stupid it will sound. so this blog is kind of something i set up to be my therapy (self-made but hopefully effective). haha i know, tanga lang. basta, im on my way to being MYSELF again! whatever that means.


i just feel the need to babble. truth is, i am so annoyed at myself for trying so hard [all day] to be apathetic on this shit about my parents fighting. it has turned into a silent, cold war. my mother locks herself in her room all day when my father is here or when mother is in the living room, father goes out to walk the dog or something or work. i want to cry so hard but that'd mean im accepting the fact that this fight is serious. fuck it. i know how serious this was when my mother told my father that "this is the last time..." but i dont know. maybe it's easier to believe that they will work this out like they did with their previous problems. i even asked Fio about her experience on her parents ending it, but i don't think it's the same.


anyway, i dont know if life is being nice or just playing pranks on my emotions but whatever it is, she's making me feel good.


1. having friends say they miss you and being with you is such a natural thing makes me feel so blessed. the girl friends i made (harnessed?) in diliman are very special to me. they're the kind of people who'd be happy for your successes and won't try to bring you down. i am still very lucky ♥


2. i didnt realize how busy ive been until Haze messaged me [on Y!m] on how MIA [my words not hers] i have been. I hardly text or pop in for a hello, she says. Come to think of it, it has been more than three weeks since I last talked to her!!--and to think, we're in the same small campus that is UPLB!! I promise I will make time for her this week, it's just that my academics has been so crazy demanding (haha i know, im so GC! but the pressure is just too much!)

Haze and I (circa Aug2009)

3. So I had this friend(?) in high school. Well, I never really thought of him as a close friend.. but apparently, he thought (thinks!) of me as one. I used to have a teeny bit of crush on him pa naman way back for a short period of time because of his humour☺ I swear, it was so short. Im happy he's happy right now especially about this gerl he wants to kwento!  So, nothing, nakakatuwa lang na Japheth is making the effort to remain friends kahit na we used to talk dati ONLY because we were seatmates! Plus, he has so many friends kaya na he can tell stuff to! In this world eaten by pride, very rare makakita ng people who'd really go out of their way to make you feel special--especially in a very non-romantic way. Kaya nga I love friends like these (hello Yzal, Haze, Kish, Daile, Jein, Anna, Fio, Rhyz, Pach, Joy, FabU, Mickey(?), Dannyboy,


4.and, well, lastly Y. I dont want to put his name here 'cause maybe im just majorly assuming things! it's just i think he's misunderstanding our friendship. i dont have any feelings for him whatsoever! i love him as a friend and sana he thinks of it as that, too. wala lang, when we saw each other day before yesterday kasi, he was kind of... heh. this is why i hate being friends with single guys who are in these phases (teen to young adult)!! some of them [not all!!] kasi are just there to make friends because they think it will lead to something more. BUT I REALLY HOPE IM JUST ASSUMING THINGS.


Im tired of typing. Have lots to say pa sana but Im tired. Sorry for my not minding my apostrophes and grammar. first of all, im not OC on them and 2nd, im letting my brain not work too much because I have to rack them this coming week for exams and scientific papers! UGH.


XXXs

Unfortunate turn of events

Eff it. There was not a single bad emotion yesterday. Is it really how the world works, give you the best day of your life today, the worst the next?


My parents are fighting and listening to my mother shout at my father like this makes me feel like it's the end for them. I REALLY HOPE NOT because I don't know what's going to happen. My sisters are so fragile and I dont want them to experience the trauma. I would never want my parents to split up because even though they fight and misunderstand each other a lot, they are the ones who make me believe in love whenever they hold hands or look at each other.


Somehow, I feel like it's indirectly my fault. My mother has sacrificed so much for this family. My father did too, but he still had more of his freedom to do his own thing. My mom sacrificed her work and independence for us. And I feel so bad. Because I think it's her greatest frustration. She always tell me to never stop working even if I get a husband because she does not want me to end up like her. I always cry whenever she says that--but never in front of her. I feel so bad, so mean and selfish.


WHY CAN I DO FOR HER? FOR HIM? FOR THEM, if they will still exist after this.18 years down the drain, if ever not.


LASTLY, why cannot I express so much the sadness, but the analysis of it. Am i really losing my [emotional] appetite for everything?

Not being dramatic

but 99% of the time that I look in the mirror, I don't like what I see. Fat, not-big-enough eyes, too tired-looking, too fug, bad hair, too plain, or just awful. I hate to say this but one of my biggest faults is analysing myself (and emotions) too much that it leads to self-deprecation.

I do try to be soft on myself. Like when I smile at myself in the mirror, I feel better. I may still look unpleasant, but at least I know how to smile.

I know it's lame

but I took one of these personality(?) tests about what should be on my bucket list and it says
I SHOULD LEARN A FOREING effing LANGUAGE!

Haha, it's actually quite funny. Spanish keeps following me around and I know I'll eventually be good (fluent) at speaking it, I'm sure--after this semester, I will have to enroll at this institute near the school.

I have the [my] money already, I just need time! :) Im so excited to be muy bien at Spanish!
haha, see how i suck after five months of no spanish lessons? i can only use the basic phrases now, how embarassing!

BUT I WILL REDEEM MYSELF! thanks for reminding me, blogthings!

From Saturday (29Aug2010)

It's all coming back to back where it all was. I thought everything is finally good here at home, with me transferring to LB for my father's happiness. And after some few weeks of smiles and laughter, we're back to tears and banging doors in each other's faces.

For the past weeks, I thought I'm already in a good place here in los banos. That even though I was not okay with being&studying here, at least I was happy when I get home. The past weeks were beautiful, I did good in school and then come home to spend time with the family out of town for the weekend. And now, it's over.

I feel so horrible, and it just sucks to know that I really thought everything was working out. Maybe that's why I like[d] it in Diliman. Because there was so much to do and so when I didnt want to face all the drama at home I could just stay in the city and take in all of the new things I could do. In los banos, it's so dull [at least for me.]. It's a wonderful place, Im sure but somehow, it does not really hold anything that can expand my horizons and love for different cultures. Ive always been someone who liked doing things alone because then, I can just do things how I like them. I have friends here, yes. I could call them and ask them to hang out but somehow, I feel like my ideals and interests have grown so far from theirs. It'd be very nice to see and talk to them once in a while but sadly, I think Ive grown out of being with them.

Thinking about these stuff make me seem troubled and broken. I hope not, because I have really been trying to be happy and see the positive things out of all the bad. It's just these things that I feel, I have no idea what to make of them.

Plus, I miss meeting people who makes more sense of life. Here in LB, [most of] the people I encounter here cares so much about fitting in and not having to be seen alone.It's like high school over again. Maybe that's why some people notice that Im mostly alone here. Id like to think Im not being a snob when I dont really talk to some people. It's just, Id rather keep to myself than hang out/around someone whom I'd just have small, superficial talk with. It's just hard to find people I'd click with here, so...

Aaaand I miss Fio. 

I dont know what that has anything to do with anything, but I just miss having her around. We are currently slaves of our separate lives. We call each other sometimes but, it's not the same. I know that I may sound like a lesbian lover--not that there's anything wrong with that except it's not how I see her. She's my best friend and she's the only one I can talk and dream big with. And these big dreams the two of us have are the ones that keep me going. Not talking to her makes all of the dreams a blur and well, I just really miss talking to her about everything. She's been my tower of strength who really asks me about how I feel and tries her best to understand. And so, she's the only one I can vent all these shit to.

I should stop being such a crybaby. Really.

I have been very sick and busy

I have to make a 10page essay, 2 scientific papers, study for a lot of exams coming up this and next week + recover from my four-day sickness. Piled-up to-do list.

I want to tell everything so badly but I just don't have enough time and much space in my head  to think how to form everything into words. Worst part is, tears aren't as therapeutic as they once were. But this is what I have to say:

This semester, it's the first time I ever really tried working hard to the point of being so stressed out, caffeine-dependent and at last, being sick. I was fever-ridden for four days but I was still trying to catch up with my very demanding academics and after the fever cooled down...

I started asking why I was doing all of these. And all I can see are my grandparents. And all the people suffering.  And somehow, my blurred focus started to get a little clearer.

BUT SOMEHOW I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE. I have no one in this place who can actually understand what my aspirations are. Everyone's still so obsessed about trying to fit in and look cool and it's getting sicker everyday. It's so selfish. Everytime I see that, I lose an ounce of hope about life.

I am not making any sense anymore and I dont know how to make sense even of my life. Can I just fast forward to the next three years?


PS. Somehow I blame it all on my sedentary lifestyle. I havent worked out in more than a week, and somehow when I exercise, I feel good about everything. I have a feeling my workouts control my hormones singlehandedly.

Home after three weeks and POP!

Things that POP!ped in my mind when I opened this and asked myself what to say:

1. Inception (it has taken 75% of my mind since I watched it last week--not the movie,per se, but the questions. Anyway. I should really stop thinking about it 'cause it's messing up my already-poor listening-in-class skill.) PS I rarely feel this way about movies as I'm not a movie buff!

2. Should I delete my old posts--again. Heh.

3. Complain about being stuck HERE.

4. Try to put more sense into this blog as I realized this past week that I'd really like to have something to read and laugh about when (if!) I become old and wrinkly :( and, by that time I hope, wise.

5.How 4 is the reason for not doing 2.

6. Why am I not attracted to college guys (hahaha! shallow ba?). Most friends & acquaintances are always like, "oh he's cute!" "gwapo!" and I'm always like, um yea whatever. Certain guys (men!) over 35 have always caught my attention, though. Eeek.

7. How I'll probably be talking about these more when I'm not half-asleep like I am now. I NEED MORE THAN 24 HOURS IN A DAY& AT LEAST 8 FOR SLEEPING, OK. LESS THAN 8, IM USELESS AND CRANKY--most of the time. 

8.RE this post, I'll probably say this to self tomorrow--Ohgod. What the hell am I talking about. Embarrassing, yes but I'm not, should not, going to delete 'cause I have to be self-accepting. AND WHAT AM I GOING TO LAUGH ABOUT IF I DELETE ALL MY STUPIDITY.

9. ufiaojiushdushaufivhuishvj

Not to be such a complainer about things

but im just really pissed off right now--this isnt even a thought-out post as im writing from my phone. Besides it's my personal space. Heh.

Some people just NEVER grow up. They only see [superficial] flaws in others and don't even think about what they say. Such stupidity.

Truth is, I've never really been an easy judge to please when it comes to looks. But I stopped being such a flaw-picker when I realized it's not fair to judge people by how they look. And why hurt people with these stupid comments when it'll do me no good.

So why don't you stop. I'll mind my own business when you stop talking shit about me. I cant believe I used to look up to you.

I should really get rid

of these friends who only calls me when they need something. It's unhealthy and esteem-sucking. But I have always been unhealthy & insecure & self-unassured so why bother.


No, it's not being-a-pushover kind of thing I'm sure of it. Sometimes, it's just fun to pretend you care (about what they say, what stories they tell, how they react) when you really don't. But I do care sometimes--not just when I think they're being overlydramatic about simple things and end up being plain annoying. Oh and when they keep talking about the same stuff over and over




and over
and over
and over
and over.

FIRST for the nth time!

I have a problem keeping things, i have a problem with permanence. Um, pretty much with everything...no not just with sites/blogs but check out my old, last post (i had 4posts!) here in this site "no matter how great my urge to delete what I previously wrote, I won't"


Eeeeh whatever. Had a lotta sites before this--three Blogspots, one LJ, three Tumblrs--which I deleted, I think. So cant really say if I'll stay here. Hopefully I will.


KBYEFORNOW.